Tahirih

NEW PLACE

2007-10-11T20:04:00Z

it's a new place for me!

www.klarinetic.com

Yay for Wordpress!

Here we are A G A I N

2007-08-25T16:41:38Z

So I'm taking a break from working which is usually a good thing. I can't believe I'm a senior here. And it's funny, you don't realize how much you know about something until you start answering questions. It's nice to know you pick up a few things in college.

So what has happened... haha too much to write now. My summer couldn't have been better and now I'm just wondering how it's all going to happen. I'm really excited about the PVGC this semester. Last time was great, I really got to know some amazing people and now with some experience and a summer filled with how do plan I ~~think~~ know that it will be big.

So what else is on my mind. Well, I've figured out a few things about myself over the summer from many things. Some a little too late, but you know, life sometimes brings that forward and I still believe that you have the choice of accepting that or not. Right now with one thing in mind I plan on fighting, the problem is I don't know how... yet. But I'm keeping my eyes peeled and my mind open. Really that's a pretty decent way on how not too miss opportunities or for tell possible mishaps. What I have figured out is that I'm not a fan of lies, which was kind of obvious to me early on, but what I didn't connect was the reason it makes me cringe. Trust. I'm a person, with many imperfections and on of my issues is complete trust. It is something I want to do. And that might lead into my overall want which is to be a friend. I have talked about this concept to many people at various stages of my understanding of the word, what the word meant to me. I want to be able to sacrifice everything for someone. To not have a fear of self-preservation to have that instant, that impulse to jump in front of a bus to save another person without one thought of "do I risk my life". So you might say that I have a fear of being selfish as a few friends have mentioned to me, and I do. I fear what I might become, I fear that I might be the cause of someones dying hope that someone cares about them in this world because that to me is the worst feeling in the world.

One think I am going to try and do is not be afraid of making a fool of myself and to stop worrying about time but rather wondering about what is to come. So this is me, well what at least I'm thinking about.

OOO, on a side note. Sometimes people really go above and beyond what they need to do and when people do that I am always amazed and feel very humbled by there work. Renee had been that person these past few days. Rising to every occasion, getting shit done and more. I mean one day we we're brain storming about what to do for the Carnival and what happened? Amazing ideas and one of them involved a Survivor them for game systems and the next day she spent 6 solid hours creating the logo. Renee has inspired and surprised me with so much of herself which is making me wonder how many other Renees do I know? You give me hope.

What is it all for?

2006-09-19T03:36:27Z

Is there anyone who will accept me for who I am?

.

2006-09-17T00:03:07Z

...

voices

2006-09-11T12:17:11Z

I could have sworn I heard I voice last night... was I dreaming?

living...

2006-09-09T13:39:25Z

What do I want? To have people accept me for who I am unconditionally? But to not let them put me first. I want to not feel guilt for things that weren't my choice. To be able to let go and just be maybe. To care about someone more than anything or anyone and have that returned. Friendship perhaps, but more. To survive with another, to not be alone. To have them understand me and I them. I want to feel something other than emptiness and something deeper than "love". Part of me thinks that this is impossible and I have convinced myself that I don't deserve this maybe so it won't hurt so much. What if getting away is the only way? What if I just need a new chance. If I fail, what would happen? I would simply lose my hope and hope is all I truly have inside. A hope that there is a chance to feel different.

what now?

2006-09-08T12:37:28Z

I don't know anymore. I want to do things, but at the same time I think I might be afraid to. Is it because I worry about what others think? It seems to be as shallow as that, but what if I hurt others? And can I hurt others really? I don't think it would entirely be my fault because when people hurt me I don't blame them because I feel the way I want to feel. They might be contributing factors but I chose to let it affect me. You're born, you learn to function, you go to school, you go to college, you get a job, you retire, and you die. Is that the way we live? Did I choose that life? But there are are variations within that system. People do many things, is living one of them? What do I do? Can I?

A new semester, what will it bring?

2006-09-02T12:24:28Z

It's been a while, wow. I was looking back on this thing and it made me think about putting that stuff under private. Why? Because I don't want people to lose faith in my ability to manage, but I don't want to hide. I want people to see me and I don't ant to be afraid of how people will look at me.

I decided to stay in Potsdam for the summer. I'm trying to change and sometimes that involves putting myself on-the-line. Yes I am a person who is very afraid of being rejected and because of this I stop myself from asking and doing things I would like. Embarrassment is another phobia of mine that stops me from being someone I can be proud of. I have decided that I am going to be a music teacher and because of that I will be responsible for children' life. This means everything for me. Teacher's I believe need to educate not only about music but sometimes life is a more important area that needs to be brought up. People need choice and today I don't feel that we are given this, there are so many restrictions in life now and it's sometimes hard to remember your freedom and personally this takes the meaning out of life. With children they need to know things like morality and it just isn't happening in some places. When I do go out into the world I want to help the world, not be the cause of injustice. And with that, I find my motivation to get up in the morning and educate myself so that when there is a child who asks me a question, I will have the answer or I can find the answer, or I will let someone give the answer. (I defiantly don't want to become a tyrant.) So whenever I become overwhelmed with work and I feel like giving up (and yes, meltdowns do happen) I just remember why I am here and it gives me that extra push.

So with this self improvement in mind I have decided to embrace the fear and just do it. And doing involved me asking a teacher for lessons over the summer. So what happened? She said yes. So I can say a small victory on the road of change. In Potsdam I was staying in KHS Rentals. Not, the best spot but for $200 a month I couldn't complain. Now I had secured a job at PACES in Lehman for the summer before I went home and now I am told I don' start work for a month! Yes, this came as a very big shock to me and I wish that they could have told me this and I with that I have thought to ask. On top of that because of circumstances I couldn't start lessons until the next month (July). This left me mad. And puzzled, and soon very very bored. I had basically the entire month to myself and nothing to do. Yes, there was practicing, but to be honest I wasn't up to too much of it. Yes, I did it but it always felt like a chore. This happens to me at times and I really don't appreciate that feeling, but sometimes you just got to tough it out and let it pass. So what else did I do? Well, I read. And reading isn't one of my big things but for some reason the Potsdam Public Library was my savior. So what was keeping my interest? Brain food in the for of videos and books. And the rediscovery of Ender's Game to which I highly recommend to everyone. Disney War was also a good read but it also makes you realize how much corruption a world can have and how someone can change from being a good leader to a merciless monster. It's crazy what power can do to people. This is something I am worried that I might become and I hope this will never happen.
With all this time on my hands I did a lot of thinking and surprisingly a lot of writing and I think that has changed me in a way. Because something about bringing your thoughts into this tangible world creates a bridge between dreams and reality. So the rest of the summer? Well I can say I improved my typing speed which is always handy and I did get to work in Lehman and I did get to take those lessons and when it was time for me to leave and go back home I didn't want to. There is so much freedom when you live alone and it felt good. I felt alive and when I am home I feel so constricted. Parents can do that at times, but I think I feel that way because people expect me to act a certain way and I don't want to be confined to my past.

So school has begun and it has brought on a very big surprise of a successful audition. To be honest, I really wasn't expecting much because during the last month I didn't practice as much as I should have. Plus my semester was going to be jam packed with classes and I didn't think I would have the time to give an ensemble my all. So, I was very surprised and I didn't know what to think. So I thought about it. And I realized that this is a responsibility that I can handle. But it's more than that. It's something I really want to do well in. And yes, I might have a very busy semester, but Concert Band will be most important. Why? Because of what it is and who it involves. Yes, I do like to be the best I can be academically, but there's a more important part of me that wants to serve in every sense of the word. I want to help Crane, Concert Band, and especially the clarinets because I do live in a world that greed predominates and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to put myself first and this is one way I can strive towards that. And one day I hope I can do this.

So what now? Hold on tight and enjoy the ride because what's life without a little chaos?

Bad bad lesson

2006-03-11T22:21:21Z

Why, why, WHY is it so hard? Scales ate me and spit me out today. It's the first saturday of our spring vacation and i had a lesson at 2pm. I had problems with my minor harmonic scales in thirds last lesson two weeks ago and the cancellation of my past monday lesson from sickness resulted in this one. I practiced them, yes. I did practically every method (articulation, rhythm, metronome, slowness) and it ate up so much of my time with everything. I usually earn one scale a day and it takes me about 1.5 hours. And all this practice for what? So I can mess up BIG TIME this saturday. I played the scale correctly, but then I had no phrase or anything. So then after that, even the notes wouldn't come out. And of course Sanders wasn't happy, but I think more importantly, I was really upset at myself. And unfortunately I got too upset and yes for the first time I cried in my lesson. Argh, IT'S SO STUPID! I tried not too, but at least I held it back, but Sanders I think got that 'OMG' look on his face and I hate that. People always feel bad for me. I never hear "Tahirih what are you going, if you just put a little more effort into it you can do this," or," Tahirih you just aren't trying." NO, it's always, "Tahirih, no one ever tries harder than you," or, "Tahirih I know your doing your best." And you know, it's true. I do try really really hard and still, people are always better than me. No, much better than me and they don't even try or they don't care and take it for granted. Pity, it's what I get because I'm not the brightest and I try to be. I want to be a good clarinet player and what is it going to take? Work. Blah, I guess I just need to clam down and get with the program again. Things will get better. I'll get better.

Note to self: When I become a teacher. Try and understand that people might not get things and will get frustrated no matter what you do as a teacher. How will I deal with people just shutting down? think...

Lemmings

2006-03-10T14:15:12Z

Well, I just don't understand the world. There's so much to learn and I feel that I'll never learn enough. I want to be everything: the clarinetist, pianist, teacher, jewler, painter, theorist, performer, smash victor, broomball winner, dancer, gymnist, martal artist, volleyball, hockey, skating, baording, skiing, swimmer, rock climber, composer, learner, explorer, ... And what's getting to me is that I will never be able to do all those things. And if I tried I would never finish anything. What to do with yourself. How do I choose? Music is a big part of my life, but I'm only persuing one aspect of it. I just want to learn forever. That is what I want to do, learn forever. But can I? When you think about it life is really not well explained to you when you're young. And in talking to people you start to understand the rebels and why people do drugs or kill themselfs, because these people were figuring out life and that's what they felt was a part of them. That's how they understood there reality. Everybody is different, so why are we all folowing a pattern. Because it's what we know? Because that's what they've been told? People don't think for themselfs or maybe it's that by the time they do think for themselves it's too late and life is passing them by in the dust. Why can't people just do what they want? Why fit the standard? Becuase it what society does and people don't see it and the people that are strating to reaize it, I don't know. Because I really don't know what I'm going to do. How can I stay true to me? How can I live with little regret? What will I do...

+_+

2006-01-22T03:10:44Z

Well, vacation is over now. I wouldn't know how to classify it maybe because it was a little of everything. I actually started to learn how to type correctly whoo! But, wow it's HARD lol. I'll get it. I also tried to practice everyday, btu it didn't work out too well, but i can say I did practice frequently. It's funny how easy it is to go hard core here in Crane but easy to lose the fire at home. I wonder if it the same for everybody? I did a little piano and sight singing which is better than nothing. It's going to be very interesting with Wannamaker. I heard he's different from Siskind, but I'm not entirely sure how. Just rumors and things, I guess I'll find out for my self on Monday. I'll tell you though, that cell phone policy is scary, I wonder if it's really true that he would leave the classroom if one goes of and give a quiz next class. Harsh, but understandable. The price of books! Wow. I'm currently trying to think of a way to save a few bucks with the music anthology thing and cds, $130, ouch. Hmm, I'm also currently trying to think of a way to sell th jewelry I made, I need to borrow a digital camera and see if i can post it in the Union. Well, I'm going to get going, I wonder how everybody else is...

~~Tahirih~~